NOT Carnitas--(SAT)

No, I didn't feel like posting the other phase of the carnitas experiment -- yet. The embedded video should hold you over until then.

The subject of which is what people should eat every morning, not just after "a party." I've eaten two every morning since last Friday. If you don't or "can't", then you suck.

Here:

Carnitas. Whaaa? Phase I

Stage 1. Bought some pork shoulder from the Palisades Safeway. Interesting they even had any since there is a, albeit minority, population of "God's chosen" around. Whatever. Look at this beauty:




I chose to trim and clean the shoulder, leaving the gristle and bone behind. I saved the trimmings for who knows what. Pork fat works with anything.

Here is the result. Left side went into the pan, right side went into the freezer (sausage meat?)




I added some bacon grease I'd saved from prior cooking experiments:



All the chunks were added into the casserole, with spices, salt, and plenty of fresh garlic. I'm off to the post office and the pork is off to simmer for a couple hours. Unattended cooking?

Who dat?

Nope. It's not chili. Everyone's been making chili over the past few days, but 'dat 'dere is a egg salad sandwich. Or is it? It's egg salad, but the normal, square, loaf-bread slices are absent. That, my friend, is a hamburger bun. So is it an egg salad burger? salad burger? ham & egg burger? I dont know nor do I care. All I know is that it's pretty good -- sour cream, mayo, eggs, mustard, scallions and some Tony Chachere's seasoning (or whatever it's called).

Excuse me, because I have to finish eating it now. KTHXBAI

Yung Gai Pro Prik

Shit.

The picture should've been taken before I added the rice. Would've been better that way, and...whoa!

Wait. Just. A. Minute.

That title up there doesn't look right, does it? Oh, it's not. Looks like a Craig's List ad for a Bangkok Sex Tour.

That should actually read Gai Prik Prow. To keep it simple, let's just call it #35. In Engrish...(ahem) - in E-N-G-L-I-S-H - it's actually "Chicken stir-fried with onions in chili paste sauce".

Sorry, my (Mai!? - the hits, they just keep comin') Thai is a little rusty, so I don't know which of these correspond to the "Gai", "Prik" or "Prow" parts. That's for another time and Rosetta Stone.

So anyway, the lunch dish was good, and ordered with "medium" spiciness, there was a little kick. Normally, the order would've been placed with the max spiciness - or close to it - but this is all going down during work hours.

Let's just say that some of us would prefer not to have to excuse ourselves during a powerpoint presentation, because we're doubled-over with Thai spice-induced abdominal pain.

Makes us wonder if we'll truly understand the Eastern mind, or its lower GI.

This Made My Friend Sick

WTF?! Doesn't anyone visit this site? What are we doing this for? Our health?

So much for thinking it's great to be back after an inexplicable hiatus. No reason...just didn't update the blog for awhile. That's all.

Anyway, the wings pictured above - yes - made my friend sick.

Well, not exactly. This was my plate of wings from the Hilton Garden Inn happy hour in DC, where they were also half-price. They didn't make me sick, but this friend was bitching about his plate of wings way before they came back up this morning - mostly undigested, no less. Nancyboy.

Anyway, the wings were kind of deep fried, but the coating wasn't crunchy at all, really. They weren't hot, spice-wise. The taste wasn't bad. They just kinda made me feel like, well, meh. At least they didn't make me sick.

Will we go back? Most likely not. For all my friend's shortcomings, at least he's a learning creature. Besides, I might not be so lucky next time, I mean, if there was one. A next time, that is.

More Pool Bar Nonsense

So another round of happy hour hilarity and hijinx took place last week at the Pool Bar, part of which featured their new bar-food offering -- miniburgers. While Matchbox supposedly has the best miniburgers in town, that place is too trendy for Choke on This to review and Pool Bar's burgers served the purpose. Nothing really stood out as far as their taste, but the buns were different. It looks like they just took some stale sandwich slices from the back and pressed an upside down water glass on them to cut out the circles. Well, it was a good idea. Some places have too high a bun-to-hamburger ratio, which strikes an imbalance from enjoying, but pool bar got away with it. Think about it -- buns can be the Goldilocks of the miniburger. Too much bun, too soft a bun, stale bun, not enough bun coverage. There are lots of issues when it comes to the miniburger bun, but pool bar made lemonade (bun tops) from lemons (old sandwich slices) and that puts them in the "win" column from we here at COT. The fries were an afterthought. Not bad, but an afterthought.

Domino, motherf*cker!

I was all like THAT after I tried this (if you didn't get the Boyz n The Hood ref, there's no way we can be friends). This, the Ham Philly. And you can get it...somewhere in DC. I don't even think this establishment has a name, but the address is 1220 L Street, N.W.

The Ham Philly is deli sliced ham, fried up with green peppers, onions, cheese, and (wait for it...) - yes, bacon. SwineApoolooza, indeed. Oh, there's also the lettuce, tomato and - if you're so inclined - mayo (I am not).

Don't let the picture fool you, this is nothing like that half-digested sub your dog threw up last night. It looks like a mess, because it is. But it's also delicious. Not good for you, but good for lunch. And about $10 cheaper than a crap flatbread sandwich from Cosi - which will never have it's food reviewed here. Ever.

Where was I?

Ah, yes. Green peppers and onions: crispy, crunchy and tasty. Ham and bacon: like ham and bacon (awesome!) and made much better because of the grilling. Cheese: necessary and delightful. Lettuce and tomato: meh. Next time: no lettuce. Overall: very good, and would get it again (and again).

What's that you say, Furious? You don't dig the swine?

STFU and just fix my damn fade, pop.

Doughboy approves, G

Boss of The Sauce. WTF?

Yeah, I don't know what that means, but it's on the back of the t-shirts the staff at Stoney's (DC) wear.

What I do know is that Stoney's rocks it in the bar food department, and last night was the night to sample their wings.

Somewhat peculiar was the fact that there weren't any celery sticks - just the wings and blue cheese. Fine with me. I'm not going to give Stoney's a hard time about this. I think it's their subtle way of saying "If you want rabbit food, go to the Whole Foods across the street yuppie turd." Or something.

Anyway...the wings. Basically good. Good sauce, and not too little or too much of it. Meaty enough. A basic app done well. Not outstanding, but solid.

The menu has a lot of great stuff, so we'll be dropping in again.

Just don't be there when we are. All I'm gonna say.

Do Not Eat This!

I don't know why I didn't heed the bartender's advice when he said I shouldn't get an order of 14K's Tandoori wings. It sounded good on the lounge menu (half-price from 4-7 weeknights): "Roasted Wings Flavored with Garam Masala, served with Cucumber Raita."

What I was actually served seemed very different. And very bad. I'm not 100% positive, but I feel fairly confident that the wings were boiled in water and not roasted in any way. More than anything else, the consistency of the meat was disturbing. The seasoning barely come through at all.

I may have had two wings, and that was it. After I pushed the basket a good distance away from me, I took a nice pull off my Jim Beam rocks (pictured above).

After that, it was all a matter of trying to put this rather unpleasant experience behind me.

It's not my intention to be unduly harsh to 14K. There are at least a few items on the lounge menu that make for an enjoyable appetizer experience. The half-price drink specials during the "Rush Hour Happy Hour" there sit nicely with me, and the bar staff is always good to us.

Welcome To Moe's!

Who could possibly resist that siren call? Ask anyone in the International Food Court on 13th and F during lunch on a weekday, and they would probably tell you they could go great lengths without hearing "Welcome to Moes!" every 10 seconds.

Yet hundreds of people deal with the minor annoyance and wait in line to order a burrito, tacos, quesadilla, or what-have-you. And most of them, including me, are fairly satisfied.

And, yes, Moe's is a national chain. OK, just chill the EFF out and let's get something straight. This ain't no foodie blog with holier-than-thou pronouncements on gastronomic feats of pretention, or smack-talkin' venues telling you which hole in the wall has the best "pie." We don't do that here.

We do, however, offer honest accounts of and opinions about our eating experiences. We all gotta eat, so there's no need get all apopletic over the subject.

Now, back to Moe's. I can do without the naming conventions used in identifying their menu items. I've only been able to bring myself to utter the words "John Coctostan" once. It shouldn't be that hard to order a quesadilla.

Instead, I usually order the Homewrecker burrito with pork. The pork was modestly seasoned and tasty, and not dry; the black beans and pintos (if you ask for black and tan) are of a consistency not inconsistent with what could be consider flavor-ishy; the rice was dry, not flavorful or fluffy; "hot" pico tasted surprisingly fresh and tasty; guacamole was a little bland; cheese was like it was barely there. The side of hot sauce helped out with the overall flavor.

Verdict: It'll do for a workday lunch, especially if your expectations are not set high. Which is kind of how we feel about you.

Miniburgers from Old Dominion

WHOA Old Dominion has miniburgers now? Look good, don't they? Well, they sucked -- talk about dry and tough, these miniburgers left alot back in the kitchen. The shaved onions were great, but they couldn't improve the otherwise crappy quality of the filler-laden beef patties. If I hadn't already had a few Prima Pils' in me, I don't know if I could've choked those things down without gagging. Someone else's analysis (the same idiot who's too scared to write his own reviews -- Arthur Treacher's, for example) claims patties that thin are bound to end up tasting like shoe leather, and it was true. The regular order is three burgers, but OD comp'ed an extra burger, but it only added to the burden. I even added mustard to the burgers, something I haven't done since the early '90s, just to try and distract my taste buds from the horror that unfolded in my mouth. It didn't work.

Fish & Chips

Went with the Arthur Treacher's standard, fish & chips and a fish-looking chicken sandwich. It was all good, what was not were the jackasses in front of me in line whining about the grave injustice of too few napkins and hushpuppies. People suck.

Tell Mike His Sandwich Kicked Ass

So some poor bastard went without lunch today. How this could possibly be my fault is beyond me, just ask the Supreme Court. Here's what they'd tell you (and unanimously so): If you don't come pick up your sandwich after your name is called five times, it becomes a first-come, first-serve situation. Pure and simple Eminent Domain 101, for all the soon-to-be first-year law students out there.

Actually, that was meant mostly for Mike. See, he lost the opportunity to eat the Smith Point sandwich he ordered today from Jetties in Georgetown. You snooze, you lose. Sorry about that, Mikey. Maybe you should've taken care of #2 before you left the house.

Well, I'm just guessing that's what he was doing while the counter guy practically went hoarse calling after him to pick up his damn sandwich. Either that, or there's a secret glory hole in the men's bathroom at Jetties. The latter seems very doubtful.

I digress.

The Smith Point - presumably named after the beach comunity in Nantucket, and not the place in Georgetown where fratty-baggers and Sorority Sues try in vain to relive those salad days of college past - is a superlative sandwich. It consists of rare roast beef, havarti cheese, horseradish sour cream, red onion and tomato - all served up on pumpernickel bread.

There are many ways a sandwich like this could go wrong. Too much horseradish sour cream, too little rare roast beef, too many onions and stale bread are just some. No worry here, Jetties strikes a perfect balance with all the ingredients: just the right amount of horseradish sour cream, rare roast beef stacked high, just a few slices of the thin red onion and fresh bread.

Not too much of anything, and everything coming together in a harmonic medley of tasty goodness.

I'd say I'm feeling pretty sorry for Mike at this point, but hey, we're a country of laws not men, and rules are rules. Or something like that.

DC Grill - More Effin Wings

A friend got the FEAR yesterday and outright refused to take a short trip into NoVA and try a steak and cheese from Mario's, which help explains why the chicken wings at another DC hotel bar were made to slip on the open-back patient gown and subject themselves to an ass-puckering invasive examination.

What a douche!

Anyway, a silver-lining in the otherwise dark and swollen storm cloud raining down economic misfortune on...uh...I mean one of the good things that has come about as a result of these trying economic times in DC is the Hotel Bar Happy Hour prices concept. It has been put into practice in no less than three hotels within short walking distance of the home office.

Pool Bar at the Washington Plaza hotel has drink and appetizer specials, as does 14K in the Crowne Plaza Hotel and DC Grill, which is housed on the second floor of the Four Points Sheraton.

With perhaps the exception of 14K, not many locals are hip to this respite from the ordinary price-gouging techniques employed in the hospitality business. During the headier days of the recent past, any idea of discounting food and booze would've been met with Vincent Price-inspired cackling and a dismissive wave from the managing class stationed in these second-tier inns.

Which brings me back to the wing thing. Pool Bar wings have already been reviewed here. Last night was DC Grill's turn to have their take on the American bar food classic examined.

DC Grill's wings rank higher than those that were sampled at Pool Bar. It's a good, but not great wing. They are grilled for a short time before being served, for a nice charred taste and crispy consistency - definitely a point booster in my book. Also they're of decent size and supplied a healthy amount of flesh.

The wings were accompanied by neat and ample piles of celery and carrots, straddling either side of a small cup of blue cheese dressing. Often it's the case that celery is an afterthought, where usually no more than three sections from the worst part of the stalk are thrown on the plate. And carrots are not the default. Not so at DC Grill. Yeah, the wings are the star of the show, but they always benefit from having a solid supporting cast.

Now we come to the point of the review where we have to discuss the (relative) downside. For DC Grill's wings it's the sauce. Not that the sauce was bad, quite the contrary. Sauce was tasty, yet not for the extreme among us that live for a suicidal heat factor. There just wasn't enough of it. Maybe the point was to leave us wanting more. Success.

Next time a side of extra sauce will be in order.

Wings - Pool Bar

Pool Bar wings - sauce on the side, not on the wings. This is the only place I know of that does this as served, which is good because the eater can determine how much sauce he wants on the wings, not some lazy, drunken line cook. Served crisp, hot, and with hardly any celery. Whatever -- they're still good wings. MMMMMM....

Wings - Bobby Van's Grill

Yes those are Buffalo Wings as served up at Bobby Van's Grill, the more casual of the Bobby Van's Steakhouse restaurants. While appearing dry and undersauced, they were fine, although I do prefer a little more sauce. And none of those stupid "honey bbq" or "pineapple teriyaki" style wings, please -- real buffalo wings should be a basic vinegar-based hot sauce, preferably Frank's as these wings seemed to be, and some sort-of modifier. Though the wings were served hot, the buffalo coating was far from hot, probably intended to be the most crowd-pleasingly mild. One thing to note, and BVG's is far from the only restaurant that does this, is the lack of celery sticks. There are only four! C'mon people, four stalks of celery is not enough, and the blue cheese is half the wing experience.

Worst Burrito Ever? Probably.

What you see above – contrary to the resemblance – is not a giant flesh-eating beetle larva. Rather, it’s a burrito from Café Cantina on G Street. And it’s probably the worst burrito you’ll ever have. By the second bite, the structural integrity had been compromised, and the innards started to spill forth. It became apparent then that the cardboard-ish hot dog basket was a necessary accessory. I can’t be quite sure, but I may have tasted catsup...

Put 10 million Nebraskans of German/Scandinavian extraction in a room and let them have at it. They could come up with something closer to a burrito than whatever it was I force fed myself.

And why would anyone go to Café Cantina, which also houses the superior Pizza Pino? Because it would show their parents, that’s why. The other reason is that it would show those Café Cantina people to give up on burritos, tacos and anything suspected of not being pizza related, expand the pizza counter and change the name from Café Cantina to For D.C., This Is Darn Good Pizza.

Because, yeah, we know that the pizza in _______ (enter Brooklyn, Queens, Effin’ Jersey, Philly, New Haven) is much better than it is here. The jobs aren’t too bad, though, are they? Rust belt jack-offs.

Now all they have to do is read this review, and our wishes will be their command. Maybe not.

Jetties DC - Surfside

That fine looking sandwich was just purchased from the"Jetties" restaurant off Foxhall road, right in the middle of Foxhall village. Jetties has a reputation of making some of, if not THE, best sandwiches in DC -- I haven't had better. The above picture shows a "surfside," which is piled high with freshly carved turkey. All white meat turkey, still warm from the oven. Also hiding between those two crusty yet soft slices of sourdough is crisp bacon, ripe and rich avocado slices, a slice of havarti cheese, and whole grain mustard. Everything comes together into a well balanced combination which Jetties patrons have voted their favorite sandwich. These patrons range from pimple-faced Georgetown students blabbing away, to geriatric stalwarts of the neighborhood, quick to point out that your car is blocking "their" driveway.
Who cares about the crowd -- nobody does sandwiches better. A must eat.

Condimania Strikes 1100 13th Street!

This impressive collection of condiments graced the made-spare desk resulting from a departed (fired) co-worker recently, drawing an assortment of responses as varied as the collection. Claims such as, "wow! its like a restaurant!" were frequently made, and of course the petty pilferers had to be dealt with uncompromisingly. Look closely -- there's even a packet of Cajun Sparkle from Popeye's. Love that chicken!

Late Night Bloody

Pool Bar Bloody Mary as ordered by nary a mary.

Yeah, Pool Bar. Not it's real name but, then again, I don't know it's real name or the name of the Hotel it's in...Washington something or other. Fitting, since it's in my NATION'S CAPITAL.

Anyway, it's off of Thomas Circle around Mass and 14th, near the big church.

So, to it. The bloody, courtesy of diminutive bartendress mix-drink wizard, Sarah, was solid. Not too many flavors competing for attention, in a drink that always gets my attention. I recommend it for heading off that hangover-like feeling that can creep up on you before your brain wants to call it quits for the evening.

Or you pass out in the hotel bar bathroom.

On a somewhat related note, some dooshopotamus wanted me to post this recipe that's never been tried:

Pizza Bloody Mary

1/2 C. Don Pepino's Pizza Sauce
1/2 C. V8 juice
1t. chopped garlic
1 C. absolut peppar vodka
5 cocktail onions
ice
1 stick slim jim
ground parmesan

Rim (Ha! rim) a tall glass with the parmesan. Combine the first five ingredients and stir with the slim jim. Serve cold with the slim jim as a substitute for pepperoni.

Mongolian BBQ Downtown DC

First off I need to apologize, just got back from the Mongolian BBQ at Soho on 13th and K where the only stipulation is the food must all fit in the to-go container for it to cost $9.99 -- so it doesn’t really matter how many bowls you use for the raw ingredients, no matter how much they disapprove. I assessed the layout of the ingredients and utilized the dual bowl technique to fill up one bowl to the brim with 2/3 beef and 1/3 lamb, followed by a compacting cycle for 4 rotations. Probably got about 70 slices of the frozen meat slices in the bowl. Second bowl was for vegetables. Started the veggie bowl with a full layer of baby corn, arranged to lie flat and in one layer. I then added some zucchini to provide more structure, then built the pea pod fence around the edges of the bowl to provide a sturdy retaining wall. Then really piled on the mushrooms, I selected only slices, no quartered mushrooms b/c they are bulky and unwieldy on the tiny bowls, filled in the spaces with a mountain of bean sprouts, then encircled the bean sprout mountain with red pepper slices. The veggie bowl was stacked a good 6 inches above the rim, the meat was about an inch but thanks to the 2 bowl compacting technique its appearance betrayed the quantity of meat compressed below.

OF COURSE we got some crap from the cook who said we couldn’t use 2 dishes, I responded that the sign says it must fit in one box and I know this will all fit, all while opening my wallet and reaching for a tip, then retracting it as he began to try to inform me of the rules. He then pointed out the 2 security cameras and begrudgingly put all the bowls onto the grill. He dumped on all the meat and veggies, and gave us a bowl back for us to make the sauce choices. Sauce selection was perfection, 4 scoops red chile sauce, 3 scoops Mongolian sauce, 1 scoop ginger sauce and a large spoonful of garlic. The cook changed his tune as the cooking progressed and asked if I wanted it all in one box, I said yes and presented him with his tip so he really crammed all the cooked food into one box. It was so bunched up it was pouring out of the edges, but it still fit in one, SUCCESS!

While going and getting a drink, the cook must’ve given the cashier some signals b/c as we approached her with a jubilant “Oops, sorry about that!” she rang up our order, then shot us a glance and threw the box on the scale which shouldn’t come into play with the “set-price” Mongolian bbq. She then signaled back to the cook “3” with her hand, indicating the item was 3lbs but we were still only charged for 1 portion. I hope they don’t change any rules, the price is already pretty outlandish and with the quality of ingredients, it’s impossible to use $10 worth of food in one box but I think we took it to the limit today and nearly got our moneys worth.

Ebbitt Express Brisket Platter and Chili

Went to Ebbitt Express for lunch. Got the brisket plate with a side of coleslaw and rice and a bonus round plastic container of hot pepper flakes, free for the taking.

The brisket itself was delicious and tender, and the authentic smokey flavor was impressive. Coleslaw was as almost as good: crisp, great taste (celery seed was key), and not swimming in mayo. I wish I could say as many nice things about the yellow rice, which was dry. At least some of the flavor was still there.

Overall, a good lunch experience from an expert in providing simple food at great prices. And the portions are always generous. Got your attention now, fatty?



This is some good chili....